Just Drue

My mom made me try on a bikini at a store and then show her. I had to put my hand on my stomach like i was pregneant so she would not see the cuts.
Now i have to wear it in like 2 weeks and i am FREAKING OUT. They are definetely going to see the cuts. Shit.

So, i watched a movie where the main character cuts called Painful Secrets. The acting was not that good and the ending SUCKED and it was kind of triggering. But other than that it actually helowd me understand my feelings of why i do this. Thoughts on the movie?

Im also gonna watch a movie called cut.

Wow, I haven’t cut in 7 days. I feel really proud even though i’ve made it to a month and a half. I really want to cut right now because I know I’m not going to get the chance to once I’m in Canada but I know my sister will notice.

On the plus side I think the marks on my stomach will have faded enough just in time for when I go to the beach :)

If I could actually say all that I wanted to my mom this i what I would say;

Dear Mom,

There is so much that I want to tell you, but I’m scared. I’m scared that you won’t look at me the same way again or that you won’t ever tell me you love me and kiss me goodnight. But, on the other hand, you’ve hurt me so much I’m not sure that I want you to do those things. Around 5th grade I started having these feelings where I would just cry for hours on end and feel empty wherever I went. Except I didn’t know why I was feeling this way until 7th grade. That’s also when I started having suicidal thoughts.

I told someone about this after several months but this person just laughed and thought I was joking. That day when I found out my last best friend was moving I cried so much. That was the first time I didn’t even care where I was crying (on the beach). I just felt so abandoned and lost and like everyone didn’t care about me. Then in 9th grade I started cutting but I also told my best friend about everything. 

You hurt me so much. I remember the first time I cut was when you told me to go and get a life. The first time I cut really deep was when you saw me eating a cookie and said you didn’t want me to become like him. After three weeks clean I cut again because you told me you didn’t want me to become like my brother (drop out and a pothead). It hurt not only because you were insulting me, but because you were insulting OUR family. And I know that you’ll just come against me and twist my words and make me feel guilty, which is why I can’t ever send you this letter.

Just Drue

So, my story takes place four years ago when I moved from Canada to Asia. The move was so big for me and I didn’t know anyone; I was crying every day in my room. I stopped playing football (soccer) and ballet and instead focused on eating. About a year later I realized what I was feeling was depression. My brain turned to suicidal thoughts because I just felt that no one cared and I was alone in the world anyways. I eventually told my two best friends about this. They laughed and didn’t believe me.

In that same year, one of those best friends moved away to Scotland. This devastated me but I wasn’t completely alone, so I was ok. Then, a year later my other best friend moved away too. This is when I fell apart. I stopped being social, didn’t do any fitness and my suicidal thoughts became more frequent. Then one day, I didn’t want to go shopping with my mom and was watching tv. She then told me (exact words):Drue, why don’t you just go and get a life?’ in a harsh tone. That was the first time I cut.

Now, by that time, I had gotten kinda big from all the emotional eating and I started to notice this. I got so concerned with my weight but wanted to do it the healthy way, but after a couple of weeks I broke down and ate junk food and stopped working out for two weeks. Recently, I got so disgusted with myself for relapsing on weight and cutting, that I cut my stomach for the first time. Usually it was just wrists. 

In the past six months I’ve gotten new, closer friends and I’m starting to be more conscious about my weight. However, a couple of days ago I relapsed on cutting after 2 weeks clean and ate a bunch of cake at a party and haven’t worked out for five days. So, I’m keeping this blog whether anyone reads it or not to keep myself aware on both these issues.