Just Drue

www.sixbillionsecrets.com

This site helps me calm down a lot. You can post secrets anonymously (or not) and people read them. You can also read them and vote on secrets to get to the top secrets. I just noticed you can also chat with people online.

I HIGHLY recommend this site because it makes you feel less alone and its interesting to see other peoples problems.

WARNING: SOME SECRETS MAY BE TRIGGERING

My mom made me try on a bikini at a store and then show her. I had to put my hand on my stomach like i was pregneant so she would not see the cuts.
Now i have to wear it in like 2 weeks and i am FREAKING OUT. They are definetely going to see the cuts. Shit.

Got jeans that make me look good gjendjamfnsjv plus they’re a 6 in american apparel which makes me feel fat but good at the same time

So, i watched a movie where the main character cuts called Painful Secrets. The acting was not that good and the ending SUCKED and it was kind of triggering. But other than that it actually helowd me understand my feelings of why i do this. Thoughts on the movie?

Im also gonna watch a movie called cut.

Just figured out that I need to lose about 2-3in if I want to have a thigh gap or just nicely toned thighs. This only makes me more motivated.

Wow, I haven’t cut in 7 days. I feel really proud even though i’ve made it to a month and a half. I really want to cut right now because I know I’m not going to get the chance to once I’m in Canada but I know my sister will notice.

On the plus side I think the marks on my stomach will have faded enough just in time for when I go to the beach :)

This morning I was pretty confident, wore a slightly revealing shirt to the mall and didn’t care. But then I tried on jeans. I went to GAP and Levi’s since ever other store that I go to was closed for some reason. At GAP they were too long and waaay too tight on my thighs. I thought I could go to Levi’s for a demi curve or bold curve and I literally had tears in my eyes in the changing room. For some reason the waist line was measured differently here and instead of being a 26in waist they said I was 31in. When I tried them on the thighs were too tight and the waist line was huge on me. I feel like I have the biggest thighs in the world. And I live in Asia where you are either super skinny or super fat. So excited to go back to Canada.

On the plus side I hung out with my mom the entire day and we didn’t fight at all. It was pretty nice :)

If I could actually say all that I wanted to my mom this i what I would say;

Dear Mom,

There is so much that I want to tell you, but I’m scared. I’m scared that you won’t look at me the same way again or that you won’t ever tell me you love me and kiss me goodnight. But, on the other hand, you’ve hurt me so much I’m not sure that I want you to do those things. Around 5th grade I started having these feelings where I would just cry for hours on end and feel empty wherever I went. Except I didn’t know why I was feeling this way until 7th grade. That’s also when I started having suicidal thoughts.

I told someone about this after several months but this person just laughed and thought I was joking. That day when I found out my last best friend was moving I cried so much. That was the first time I didn’t even care where I was crying (on the beach). I just felt so abandoned and lost and like everyone didn’t care about me. Then in 9th grade I started cutting but I also told my best friend about everything. 

You hurt me so much. I remember the first time I cut was when you told me to go and get a life. The first time I cut really deep was when you saw me eating a cookie and said you didn’t want me to become like him. After three weeks clean I cut again because you told me you didn’t want me to become like my brother (drop out and a pothead). It hurt not only because you were insulting me, but because you were insulting OUR family. And I know that you’ll just come against me and twist my words and make me feel guilty, which is why I can’t ever send you this letter.

Just Drue

Favorite parts of my body:

My lips. I’m actually obsessed with the shapes of lips. and I happen to like mine.

My face structure. I took a costume makeup class and the teacher said I have the perfect oval face. I also have high cheekbones that i like.

My butt. Even though I think I could tone it up a little, i really like the shape of my butt :P

Parts I hate:

My calves. I also have a weird obsession with calves. And I do NOT like mine, they are too flabby.

My thighs. yeah, also part of the leg, i know. Its not that I want a thigh gap…I just want the space between my thighs to get bigger. and my legs to get smaller.

my stomach. ugh, i REALLY want my stomach to be flat. from the front, i have a pronounced waist and i think i look kinda hot but from the side you can see all my fat…

What are your favorite and hated parts?

Oh geez. This week is like the first time I’ve run on the treadmill three times in a week (at least not sure if I will on thurs or fri). Usually I say I will but only end up running once, MAYBE twice a week.

My legs hurt sooo much but I’m gonna keep going. fuck. and I’m going to work out everyday until saturday which is when I leave for Canada <3

on a random note: i have my science exam tomorrow and haven’t studied at all. yay. but its my last exam :)

So, there’s this girl at my school that everyone kinda feels sorry for. She talks about how life isn’t worth living and how she’s really depressed and all that. Even though people feel sorry for her, no one really believes her. Most people think she’s doing it for attention and now I’m starting to feel that way to. Before I thought she was serious and I almost opened up to her about my depression and cutting but then I realized that she didn’t think that way at all. I don’t understand why she would do that, I guess so people would actually talk to her and she’s too scared to be herself. But there is a chance that she isn’t faking it, which makes me really scared.

But in the end, she’s giving people who actually cut and have mental problems a bad name by doing it for attention. She’s making me scared to tell people in case they don’t belive me.

HW:145lbs

LW:127lbs

CW:145lbs

Goal 1: 142lbs

Goal 2: 140lbs

Goal 3: 135 lbs

Goal 4:130lbs (spa day)

Goal 5: 127lbs (dye hair or permanently straighten it)

Goal 6: 125lbs (belly button piercing)

Goal 7: 120lbs (new wardrobe + new body)

cuts-lies-and-suicides:

I want June to be a cut free month. Do you think I can do it?

Hmm…I think I might try this.

Aaaah! I’m so proud of myself!

Today, I had to make double chocolate cookies and rice krispie treats for my class parties and I promised myself I would only eat one cookie and I did. This may not seem like much to some people but I’ve tried to tell myself to only eat one before and ended up eating 20. :D I think I’m serious about getting healthy this time.

Although I looked on the scale and I saw the number and wanted to throw up. No. Won’t go down that path again. 

So, my story takes place four years ago when I moved from Canada to Asia. The move was so big for me and I didn’t know anyone; I was crying every day in my room. I stopped playing football (soccer) and ballet and instead focused on eating. About a year later I realized what I was feeling was depression. My brain turned to suicidal thoughts because I just felt that no one cared and I was alone in the world anyways. I eventually told my two best friends about this. They laughed and didn’t believe me.

In that same year, one of those best friends moved away to Scotland. This devastated me but I wasn’t completely alone, so I was ok. Then, a year later my other best friend moved away too. This is when I fell apart. I stopped being social, didn’t do any fitness and my suicidal thoughts became more frequent. Then one day, I didn’t want to go shopping with my mom and was watching tv. She then told me (exact words):Drue, why don’t you just go and get a life?’ in a harsh tone. That was the first time I cut.

Now, by that time, I had gotten kinda big from all the emotional eating and I started to notice this. I got so concerned with my weight but wanted to do it the healthy way, but after a couple of weeks I broke down and ate junk food and stopped working out for two weeks. Recently, I got so disgusted with myself for relapsing on weight and cutting, that I cut my stomach for the first time. Usually it was just wrists. 

In the past six months I’ve gotten new, closer friends and I’m starting to be more conscious about my weight. However, a couple of days ago I relapsed on cutting after 2 weeks clean and ate a bunch of cake at a party and haven’t worked out for five days. So, I’m keeping this blog whether anyone reads it or not to keep myself aware on both these issues.

To anyone who is reading this:

This blog is not only about my struggle to getting fit, but also my struggle against depression. I feel like tumblr has enough of those but never both at the same time. I’ll try to be honest with all of you and if this actually gets popular, open an ask box. 

If you are dealing with any hard issues, this site will help you relieve some of the sadness for a bit. Warning: might make you relapse!

sixbillionsecrets.com (this site has helped me sooooo much) 

Bye for now :)